Is Montenegro the New Black?

Montenegro means "Black Mountain" translated by the Venetians from "Crna Gora." The mountains certainly have an ominous, dark quality as they drop from over 6000 feet, practically straight down into the Meditteranean along the 180 miles of coastline. Just twenty years ago, Montenegro was emerging from 45 years of communism and years of civil war before declaring independence. At the time you would have been hard pressed to find a hotel or restaurant along that 180 miles. Times change. The Black Mountain is the new black and we are open for business baby.

After abandoning our plans for Albania, we boarded a bus from Dubrovnik to Montengegro's Bay of Kotor.

It has been a long time, and a great many European borders crossed since I was actually stopped at one, or even slowed down. Usually, you sail through at 100, as if you're driving from Montana into a neigboring state, like New Jersey. No stopping. Not so from Croatia to Montenegro. Maybe it's because Montenegro isn't in the the European Union yet. Or, perhaps, it's because these two were in a shooting war just 30 years ago? Whatever the reason, it was the full-on Checkpoint Charlie at the border. Two separate stops (with a a very long line of cars in between) where our entire bus was emptied out and we were all individually marched to a passport check. It took about 2 hours to cross. Lori even saw someone being led away in handcuffs. Real cold war stuff.

But this is all good practice for our return to the USA, which has become a police state since we left. If you don't hear from me after June 15th, please send lawyers, guns, and money.

The Bay of Kotor

Kotor was the first stop in Montenegro and is another walled city (this is starting to get tiresome).

The South Gate (11th Century)

We entered the old city through the South Gate and rattled our way up the cobblestones to our lodging—which we had selected while on the bus, so spontaneous these two travelers are now. I say rattled because, back in April, just before liftoff, Lori persuaded me to go with the wheelies instead of the backpacks (which are better for ancient stone stairways, and of course have more soul. A good travel backpack in Europe takes 15 years off your age).

She was right, as usual. The wheels have been super helpful. But they don't love the cobblestones. Like my old junior high band teacher used to say about us: "You sound like marbles down a staircase!" And I don't think he meant that as a compliment.

Goat's Head Soup

Kotor is a cool place.

However, like Dubrovnik, and Key West, and lots of other cool places, it has a cruise ship problem (one berth and space for another at anchor). When a cruise ship disembarks in a small medieval city, it's like when you you stick your arm into an anthill with jam all over it.

So for those middle hours of the day, we would usually retreat up the mountain on the Ladder of Kotor; a series of gentle switchbacks that take you up past the old city walls that protected the town and to a (mostly) abandoned medieval village.

I say mostly abandoned because there is still one tiny farmhouse up there, making a go of it, despite not a single road connecting them to the outside world. And making a proper go. While we were briefly paused, catching our breath and weighing their hand written sign offering water, coffee and cokes to parched hikers; they were busy skinning a couple of goats. The woman who might well be stirring milk into my coffee in a few minutes was currently holding a goat's head, sans body, in her hands. I felt like I was being offered initiation into a satanic cult. We passed on the drinks, but I did agree to join their group. Better safe than sorry.

The Serpentine

Having had my fill of buses for the time being, and wanting to get to some of the more off-the-beaten-track locales, we decided to rent another car (and not go to Albania with it). I was a little taken aback by the price at first. I'm not making this up. My Avis rental, for 11 days, was 30 Euro (~$34). The taxi alone, to take us a mere 3.5 miles from Kotor to the airport rental counter was 20 Euro, and that was after haggling. I just kept thinking, what is the catch here? And maybe the catch is that the 5000 Euro they put on my credit card when I declined all their generous offers of supplementary insurance will be hard to get back? Hope not.

There are a couple of ways to get from sea level in The Bay of Kotor up to Lovcen National Park at 6000 feet. One is to go the long, safe way around, which as the driver, is always my vote. The other way is the legendary Serpentine, which is inevitably what Lori was going to insist on because she lives for high places and speed, ideally in dangerous combination.

The road dates to Roman times. The road width and the vertical grade were designed knowing that you would be only ever be passing travelers coming in the opposite direction at donkey speed. So fine.

The Serpentine

Same road today, but now we go ludicrous speed, missing cars and ginormous Euro-coaches full of gawking tourists (piloted by ornery, over-confident, one hand out the window clutching a smoke, Montenegran bus drivers) by mere inches.

So with my eyes shut tight and Lori thrilling with every hairpin turn over on the passenger side, we raced up the mountain. And then had a cappuccino and crepes at a cute little spot at the top.

Having survived the Serpentine

Lovcen National Park

Fit for a Philosopher King

Up at altitude now, we did a lovely hike up to this mausoleum, which is reported to be the highest mausoleum in the world at 1660 Meters. It is the resting place of national hero Petar II Petrović Njegoš, who was a bishop, a poet and a philospher—so that seems fiting (as opposed to giving the highest mausoleum to your standard warrior/conqueror sort). Well done Montenegro.

When we returned to our quiet little hotel, we found about five police cars and a bunch of those scary black SUVs with tinted windows (always mean trouble) out front. It was still off-season and we were two of maybe a total of ten guests in the hotel—so this seemed odd. Did somebody get murdered? Did Trump find out what I said about his hands? I was ready to make a run for it, but Lori asked a waiter and it turned out that it was just the president of Moldova (which I guess is also a country somewhere around here) having a bit of lunch with her retinue. So a pretty big celebrity siting for us. I didn't risk the selfie however, due to the SUVs, though she looked nice enough.

Montenegro - The Riviera on the Cheap

If you haven't already started getting Montenegro travel posts in your feeds yet, you will after you read this post because, well because AI, Zuckerberg, etc. Montenegro is (for now) a less expensive, but steadily glamorizing Meditteranean coastline. And they can't seem to put the hotels up fast enough.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not quite Monaco yet. There is some scruffiness. A sense of things being a bit unfinished. It takes awhile to really scrub away all the commie rust that had accumulated from 1945 until 2006, when they broke away from Serbia and the remainder of Yugoslavia. And rehabilitation is just not possible for many of the buildings put up during the Soviet era. Just too much blocky concrete to even demolish them. So they generally just leave those lying.

Still lots of this around

But most of it is getting quite nice. The net result is probably something akin to what the French and Italian Riviera were like 40 or 50 years ago, at least in terms of amenities and price.

Here's our view in Budva, for roughly $110 per night, including a great breakfast (and honestly, I would pay $110 per night just for the the shower alone in this place). Prices go up in summer of course, but it's a value holiday if you want Mediteranean luxury for less. Below is our sweet little pool, perched over a less populous part of the coast that was around $65 a night with breakfast.

And if you really want the full Kardashian, there is Porto Montenegro in Tivat (also on the Bay of Kotor). Until 2009, it was a derelict Yugoslav naval base. A Canadian businessman bought it and coverted it into a mega yacht marina with all the trimmings: 5 star hotels, glimmering marble streets, and $5000 handbags in the shop windows. You can also buy a yacht.

Do I want to move to Montenegro? It's tempting. Beautiful country. Inexpensive. Lots of cats. (Who, incidentially, have forgotten our ancient symbiotic arrangement where we tolerate them and they take care of the rodents. Now they simply accept our charity and lie around acting all cute. Although to be fair, I didn't actually see any rodents in Montenegro. But I would feel better about it if they even looked like they were making an effort here...).

So yes, it's very tempting as a residence. On the other hand... to turn on a light switch, you actually have to push on the bottom of the switch rather than on the top. Old dog, new trick. Can't make that adjustment. Also, everyone smokes. Even the cats. Smoking is proven to cause 1,743 different diseases (at last count), so it's quite bad for you. And nicotine makes me queasy and want to throw up. So it will probably be hard for me to get accepted among the local menfolk in the cafes who smoke like chimneys if I'm constantly throwing up on their shoes.

Speaking of the men, something else that cracks us up about the Slavic countries we have visited is that all the men seem to be on their mobiles all the time. No, I don't mean texting or scrolling (that's true of all humans the world over). I mean these guys are actually talking into them, as if they were little telephones. Everywhere you go you see this. The dudes driving cars, one hand out the window with their smoke, the other clutching the phone just talking away (steering is sort of an afterthought). Or the guys just walking alone down the boardwalk bent into their mobile, emphatically berating someone on the other end of the line, as if they are all gangsters and need to have someone's kneecaps removed or a restaurant set on fire.

I'm sorry. That's a terrible stereotype to suggest that 90% of the men here are gangsters.

It's probably closer to 75%.

I think it only surpasses 90% at Mar a Lago.

So Montenegro is hot. Get there while you can. If you miss this window, Albania should be up next, just as soon as they start allowing rental cars there.