Crime Pays

As a Jack of all trades, master of none, type of guy—I'm always casting about for the next big idea. Marketing has been very good to me (and do not listen to my step-brother who is always slagging off my business by leaving messages on my voicemail pretending to be some player with a huge marketing budget that he wants to spend, but... since he couldn't reach anyone at Pure Marketing on the phone today, he is going to take his $$$ elsewhere). He can slag all he likes, but let's just say that PM cleared in the low five figures last year. Boom!

Still, I have those days where I think "what about...? That's a big idea!" Y'know get out of the rat race and into some other type of rodent race. Gerbils or squirrels probably.

Just a few of genius ideas that are currently in the bingo ball hopper:

• Custom Suitcase Travel Bars - I plan to design these bespoke beauties and market them to discerning travelling alcoholics who like to dress to impress. Starting price for a Ramble On Original will be in the neighborhood of $1500 and going up from there if, say, you want a handle. Only problem with this one is engineering, or lack thereof. I would refer you to my elementary school art teachers, or to my wife, to give you an honest assessment of my talents here. I'm more duct tape than diamond drill. So any of you handy types out there, please give me a jingle because this one will be huge! Good wages (no dental).

• Travel Blogger - Apparently, you can make actual money doing this. It's all about getting eyeballs. And I love to travel, so that part is easy. All I have to do now is start a travel blog, get people to read it, and then somehow—and I'll admit, this is the part that I get a bit hung up on—Internet people will pay me money? (or I'll get affiliates? or something like that). Anyway, it sounds great, I should definitely do that one.

  
  

• "Podcasting" - Have you heard about this? It sounds crazy, but I guess there are people who set up a microphone in their spare bedrooms, and they record themselves talking. That's it. Sometimes they will armtwist a friend or two to come on their "show" (I mean seriously?) as a guest. And again, they just talk. That's it. No production. No plot. No explosions. No sexy stuff. Just like a regular conversation over coffee about whatever. This seems perfect for me, because as my wife will tell you, I love to just talk!!! This pretty much describes every morning at our house, minus the capturing it all on digital audio for my fans (kills me to think of all the content I've already squandered). I have so many thoughts on so many things. I really don't know if this podcasting thing will catch on, but I definitely need to get in on the ground floor on this one.

This looks like easy money

So, time permitting, those and about ten others will happen. But another new and very exciting idea has come to my attention recently.

Start a Crime Family!

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Tom, are you nuts? Have you see The Godfather? I mean sure Michael lives to be an old man (a very sad but very old, man). But Sonny? (omg) Fredo? Tessio? Good god, that's no way to live/die. I mean sure, Sonny did get laid a lot, and there did seem to be quite a bit of pretty tasty Italian food happening all the time (try the veal), but it came at a definite cost. Namely getting gunned down on the Long Island Expressway, which of course would be preferabble to getting stuck in holiday traffic on the Long Island Expressway, but still pretty horrible." That's what you're thinking.

But don't be so old fashioned. Crime is back baby. The FBI doesn't care. They are too busy helping ICE round up little 5-year old kids. You can even storm the capital, assault a police officer, get sentenced to prison and then get your very own Patriot Influencer gig endorsing military hardware and shit! The Trump family has already made an estimated $1.4 Billion (and that's almost a gazillion? Math gets fuzzy past five figures for me) on their Crypto biz alone!

Don't worry, I don't plan to play in those leagues. I don't want to draw the attention of the Justice Department as a rival crypto gang, nor do I have the faintest idea of how or why crypto even works. And I don't think you can launder $1.4 Billion through a car wash. It's just a bad fit all around for my particular talents (which are drinking coffee and talking, in that order).

I'm thinking more mid-level, small time, under-the-radar crime family.

And credit where credit is due; this was actually my nephew's idea. Pauly or Vinny, I forget which one. But, part of being a crime boss is taking credit for other people's work and ideas. Also, he thinks too small. His initial idea as a foray into crime familyness was to put parking tickets on cars around town. The ticket would have a website where they would go to pay the fine. Only, and here's the beauty party, it wouldn't actually be a legitimate website for the city—it would be our website. Still... it seemed like a lot of work walking around to those cars and stuff. Plus—dealing with IT guys—uggh.

So I had him whacked (the nephew, not the IT guy). Nice kid, good idea, but you really can't be soft in this business.

So, here are some of my (bigger) crime family ideas:

Well, in truth, I haven't really come up with anything better than the parking ticket scam yet. But that is only because I've been totally slammed with the whole lifestyle component of this thing. It turns out you can't get into the business until you have a few of the essentials. Namely:

• Leisure/Track suits. I've done some research. It doesn't matter if you're Chechen, Jersey, or Triad — you have to look the part, and that means track suits. Sure, I've got sweats galore (I'm a basketball coach after all), but the first time I tried to pass that off down at the club (we all hang out at the same dimly lit clubs in the warehouse district), the bouncer wouldn't even let me in the door. This despite the $Melania meme coin transfer that I was dangling under his nose with my phone (he was slightly more tempted when I waved a crisp Hamilton at him, but still no dice). Somehow, he knew; I had spent $0 on my outfit. So, I'm seeking help here. Any gun molls out there (besides Melania, who is booked way out) who know gangsta fashion? My budget is up to $125 for a complete wardrobe.

• A Go Bag. This is absolutely the part I am most excited about in becoming a crime boss. I have always wanted to have one of those gym bags hidden up above the drop-tile ceiling in my apartment which is rented under a pseudonym. Inside will be a Glock 17, 4 passports, a few stacks of cash with bands around them, and a ballpoint pen (in case the gun jams). It just seems like it would be one of the best days of your crime boss life, when something trips that tripwire (not the FBI of course—they super don't care; probably a rival gang from Central Vermont) and you just have to disappear with your Go Bag into thin air (probably to St. Albans, Vermont or to Zach's spare bedroom). So exciting!

Anyway, I know there is always trash hauling. I mean, I honestly can't tell you what would happen at our house if we missed trash and recycling day. I wouldn't even notice, but I really don't think our marriage could survive it. So that is probably a good one. I don't quite know the angles there, but maybe my nephew does... Doh! I probably shouldn't have had him whacked. But I'm still finding my feet here.

Please send you best crime ideas to the untraceable dark web email address of: tom.piper@rambleon.crime

And Goooooo Seahawks!!!